16 July, 1999
Nardwuar the Human Serviette Medical Update:
After enduring what has been described by medical staff as a burst blood vessel in his brain, a subsequent brain hemorrhage and a series of seizures, Nardwuar The Human Serviette is a very lucky patient: he is expected to make a full recovery! Throughout the last week, Nardwuar has been through a series of tests, including two CAT scans, an angiogram and a recent MRI. When the CAT scans and the angiogram proved inconclusive, doctors moved on to the MRI, where it was determined that, contrary to popular rumour, Nardwuar does NOT have a tumor, Nardwuar did NOT have an aneurysm, Nardwuar has NOT had a lobotomy, and Nardwuar does NOT need brain surgery. What the MRI did reveal was a small amount of blood on the brain that will apparently go away by itself over time.
Rock stars, heads of state, child actors, and porn stars travelling to Vancouver in the next while can relax, as Nardwuar will remain at Lion's Gate Hospital in North Vancouver, BC, Canada, under observation for a period of anywhere between two weeks and several months, depending on his rate of recovery. Nardwuar himself has also been instructed by his doctors to remain relaxed and stress-free... which will remain to be seen. Nardo's rehabilitation will include strength conditioning through physical and occupational therapy to regain the use of his left arm, hand and fingers, as his left arm remains disabled as a result of the hemorrhage. Nardwuar's regular diet of Skookumchief hamburgers and a litre and a half of Pepsi-Cola per day is also being reconsidered.
Nardwuar has been overwhelmed by the number of cards, letters, gifts, get-well emails and media attention he has received since his malady. As of Friday noon, over 450 emails have arrived from around the world, all of which have been forwarded to him. His bedside payphone, which he now answers with "Nardwuar," and still refuses to share with any other patients, has rung off the hook with well-wishers, especially after Courtney Love announced to 18,000 fans at Edgefest in Vancouver that Nardwuar was sick and needed some cheering up. It's this support that has kept Nardwuar very positive and uplifted through a very frightening period of his life. Nardwuar The Human Serviette thanks everyone for their support, and wishes everyone to "have a good brunch!"
Nardwuar still enjoys receiving and reading messages during his recovery. Messages to Nardwuar can still be sent to email@example.com.
Mail to Nardwuar can be sent to: