Nardwuar: Who are you?
Kathy Griffin: I’m Kathy Griffin, star of Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List.
Nardwuar: And Kathy, who do you have beside you?
KG: Lily Tomlin, legend, icon, and, uh, multi-award-winning genius.
Nardwuar: Hello Lily! Welcome to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada!
Lily Tomlin: Thank you. I’m delighted to be here.
Nardwuar: I’m on the d-list, with you! We’re on the d-list!
KG: Lily’s not on the d-list! Cut that crap.
Nardwuar: But we’re live on the d-list, right now. We are live on the d-list.
KG: We’re on the multi-Emmy-Award-winning show My Life On The D-List, it’s true.
Nardwuar: Now Kathy, the reason I’m on the d-list right now is Andrew W.K. He set me up with you. What can you say about Andrew W.K.? He went on a date with you. Punk rocker, Andrew W.K.
KG: Yeah, he was very, very sweet and I went to his performance artist show.
Nardwuar: He bled for me. When I interviewed Andrew W.K., he bled for me.
LT: Oh yeah?
KG: He cuts himself in front of his…
LT: Cut himself, right. That is pleasant.
Nardwuar: Do you have any message for him? A failed date with Andrew W.K.
KG: Um, I… you know, I’m glad he wasn’t bleeding at any point, so it wasn’t that bad of a date.
LT: He didn’t bleed on your date?
KG: No! Didn’t bleed on my…
Nardwuar: So – the date continues. I’m bleeding on you! The date lives on, through Andrew W.K. Me, Nardwuar, The Human Serviette. That’s why I’m here.
KG: Uh… uh… Bonjour, ca va?
Nardwuar: So, the… You got it! The Serviette! The Human Napkin!
KG: Yes! [laughs]
Nardwuar: And here you are also with Lily…
KG: Do you speak any French at all?
LT: No, I look forward to that (in French accent).
Nardwuar: Lily, I have a gift for you. Because here we are, in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, where Robert Altman did the movie McCabe & Mrs…
Nardwuar: Mrs. Miller! Filmed in Vancouver! And guess what? You’ve been in quite a few Robert Altman productions, haven’t you?
LT: Occasionally, I have.
Nardwuar: And I have a gift for you. This is a tribute to the movie Nashville that you were in [Nardwuar hands Lily a CD]
Nardwuar: Done by some Vancouver/Victoria artists, Carolyn Mark And Friends!
LT: A DVD?
Nardwuar: It’s a CD. It’s a tribute to the soundtrack of Nashville!
LT: Oh! So I’ll be on here, someone’ll be tributing me singing gospel?
Nardwuar: Such great tunes are out there in the movie Nashville.
LT: [sings] “He lives, He lives! Christ Jesus lives today.” Like that?
Nardwuar: A classic! Nashville payed tribute by some Canadians! Canadian connection.
LT: I’m dying to hear it. Can we put it on now?
KG: Now, is there any kind of a Canadian connection at all?
Nardwuar: Well, there is a big Canadian connection, because you’re in Canada, and I’m afraid about giving that gift to Lily, Kathy Griffin.
KG: Why would you be?
Nardwuar: Because it’s the movie Nashville, and your good friend is from…
Nardwuar: Your good friend from Nashville is…
KG: Andrew W.K.?
Nardwuar: No, Miley…
Nardwuar: I was afraid I would get you mad, because when you think of Nashville, you think of…
KG: Miley Cyrus’s demise.
Nardwuar: Yeah, what do you think about her dad taking her on dates? It’s, like, the dad is accompanying her on dates.
KG: [laughs] I think the dad’s living off her is more the story there.
Nardwuar: One person that represents Canada, I don’t know if you’d agree with this, Lily, is…
LT: Who represents? Uh, Danny Aykroyd.
Nardwuar: No, Celine…
Nardwuar: Celine Dion. Now Kathy, I have a bit of bone to pick with you, I have a bone to pick with you. You rat on Celine Dion’s husband.
KG: René Angéli.
Nardwuar: Nardwuar: Now, Rene deserves some props. Check this out.[Nardwuar hands Kathy a record] This is Rene, in his band, Les Baronets!
KG: Which one?
Nardwuar: There he is, right there, Rene.
KG: C’est Rene?
LT: Oh boy!
Nardwuar: That is Rene. So he was in the game long before Celine, wasn’t he, Kathy Griffin?
KG: Yes, I just think it seems odd that they were dating when she was 9 years old, or whatever.
Nardwuar: But still, he’s been puttin’ it out! He’s been doin’ it! Like, will you give Rene some more props now that he actually had a record, Les Baronets?
KG: Oui, je regrette, Rene.
LT: He looks like a Saudi prince here.
Nardwuar: Have you guys met some Saudi princes?
LT: I have met one.
KG: Who, Sultan of Brunei ?
LT: No, he was selling a house.
KG: Really! And he’s th- He’s actually there, and says, like, “Oh hi, Lily.”
LT: Well, I was sort of in the background. No, I don’t believe he knew who I was.
KG: Interesting. And they just… did they say, “This is the house of a Saudi prince. Do you want it?”
LT: The realtor told me it was the house of a Saudi prince. [laughs]
KG: Well, of course, they love that crap.
Nardwuar: Kathy Griffin, you said some naughty words on CNN the other night, didn’t you?
KG: Yes, I did.
Nardwuar: You also committed the ultimate sin, you called Wolf Blitzer..
Nardwuar: How dare you! That is amazing!
KG: I got a lot of nerve. That’s how.
Nardwuar: But actually, it was a bit more than that, Kathy. You said, quote, “Knock the…”
KG: Oh, I said, um, during the commercial break, I…
LT: I know, I heard it.
Nardwuar: You said…
KG: I said “I don’t go to your jobs and knock the dicks out of your mouth.”
Nardwuar: Now, is that an allusion to the Mr. Show show, ’cause Mr. Show used that little quip. Have you seen that show?
KG: No, no. Mr. Show was making fun of it the way I did as an old hack, hack response to a heckler. Like the old Borscht Belt comedians. It’s, like, the oldest response to a heckler in the book.
Nardwuar: Well, I guess what I was wondering, who invented “dick”—
LT: …(in reference to previous question) Like people who say “I don’t come to your job and kick the shovel out of your hand. “
Nardwuar: Lily, you know a lot about dicks, don’t you?
LT: Quite a bit.
Nardwuar: You know a lot about dicks because you go all the way back to Dick Martin! From Laugh-In.
LT: I do indeed.
Nardwuar: And you know what’s interesting? Check out the front of this record, Kathy, it’s amazing. [Nardwuar hands Kathy a gatefold Laugh-In LP] What is happening at the front of this record? What word is on the front of this record of Laugh In?
KG: “He’s Dick.”
Nardwuar: “He’s Dick”! So, why is the word “dick” OK to say in the ’60s, but not OK to say now?
KG: It should be OK. (to Lily) Why isn’t your picture on here?
LT: Uh, because I wasn’t on ’til the third year.
KG: Third year. OK.
Nardwuar: When you say the word “dick” on TV, you end up in the New York Times!
KG: That’s true, and also worldwide.
Nardwuar: But actually, Kathy, you end up on the New York Times Business section. New York Times Business section. Is that the ultimate d-list? Like, “I made it! I’m on the front page… No, I’m on the Business section of the New York Times.”
KG: I’m happy CNN got fantastic ratings.
Nardwuar: You like punk rockers, don’t you, Lily Tomlin? ‘Cause you actually played a punk rocker, Agnes Angst, didn’t you?
LT: Yes, I did. But I’m not one.
Nardwuar: Did you actually work with 38 Special, the band?
KG: I did. I did a gig in Vegas. Alright, I didn’t even do stand up at the time. It was myself, a racecar, like a Nascar guy, and the group 38 Special. And I went out and did 10 minutes of I don’t know what, I bombed horribly.
LT: You did?
KG: I did, but I was like… I was a spokesperson for Kenwood Stereos, which I don’t even know if that exists anymore.
Nardwuar: You worked with 38 Special, but Lily Tomlin worked with somebody much cooler than that, Dr. Demento!
LT: Doctor Demento! Yeah!
Nardwuar: That is pretty good taste, isn’t it?
Nardwuar: You exposed the world to Dr. Demento.
LT: I did, indeed.
LT: And I have his collection of records.
KG: Yeah, I know! We used to listen to those records all the time!
KG: Yes! You know who loves that? Straight guys lose their, their shoot for that stuff.
Nardwuar: Kathy Griffin, Lily Tomlin has a quote from Time Magazine: “I worry about kids today. Because of the sexual revolution, they’re gonna grow up and never know what ‘dirty’ is.”
KG: Why are you shouting? We’re right here, earphones and everything.
Nardwuar: Well, I guess what I was wondering is, Kathy, do you know what “dirty” is?
KG: Well, I know the Cristina Aguilera song, “Dirrrty,” with 3 r’s.
Nardwuar: But who is dirty? Who is dirty? What do you mean by “dirty,” Lily Tomlin? Is Beyonce dirty?
LT: Dirty? Well, let’s see. Well, there is no such thing today. You see, that was an ironic statement. I’m sure you get that.
Tom the Tour Manager: Nardwuar, you got two minutes left!
Nardwuar: Ok, is this dirty? OK, is this dirty right here? [Nardwuar pulls out a DVD sealed in a plastic bag] The Kim Kardashian DVD. Is this dirty? Notice I put it in a bag.
KG: OK, yes.
KG: Kim Kardashian should be in a plastic bag. I don’t mean her body, I mean just her work.
LT: Oh. But not her head.
KG: Well, I don’t want to catch anything.
Nardwuar: And you’ve talked about these types of things, haven’t you too, Lily? Like Hamburger Helper in the bedroom. You’ve talked about that.
LT: Yeah, Hamburger Helper in the boudoir.
Nardwuar: Lastlt here, Carrie Fisher, you know, Princess…
Nardwuar: Princess Leia, she claims her dad Eddie…
Nardwuar: Ate his hearing aid, thinking it was pills.
KG: Sounds good to me.
Nardwuar: Could that happen? Is that one of the weirder Hollywood things you’ve heard, Lily?
LT: I don’t believe it’s true.
Nardwuar: It sounds really good, though. I wanna believe it.
KG: It would be fun if it was true.
LT: Something Carrie would make up.
LT: Alright, now I have Eddie Fisher’s, uh, autograph. So, put that in your –
KG: Pipe and smoke it.
Nardwuar: Ba-boom. You’re moving all the way from Richmond, British Columbia, Canada, Kathy Griffin, all the way to where?
KG: The A-list?
Nardwuar: No, next! Madison Square Garden!
KG: Yes, Madison Square Garden!
Nardwuar: Here we are at a restaurant in Richmond, British Columbia, Canada.
KG: I know! I’m so nervous to do the wrong answer, even if it’s about my own life.
LT: So what?
KG: Screw it. Yes, I’m going, I’m going to the Garden after this.
Nardwuar: Madison Square Garden is it the arena, or the theatre? Is it, like, the big thing?
KG: It’s a theatre inside the arena, arena of fifty-six hundred seats. It’s called – it used to be called the WaMu Theater, but I don’t even know if they folded.
LT: Oh, boy! You mean they have a smaller theatre inside Madison Square Garden?
KG: Yes, and it’s a nice, intimate, it’s not like, you know, where the Knicks play.
Nardwuar: To remember me in Canada, we have a parting gift. As I gave Lily the soundtrack to the movie…
Nardwuar: Nashville, by some Canadian artists, I thought I would give you a gift of me, Kathy Griffin. My stripping pen.[Nardwuar hands a “floaty” pen to Kathy] This is me stripping.
LT: No, no, I want one.
KG: Alright, this is my gift to Lily Tomlin.
Nardwuar: But you didn’t even look at it strip!
KG: I don’t. When Lily, uh, wants something I give it to her. I don’t have –
Nardwuar: Is that really how… Well, actually, you’ve been on a, quite a few shows with Lily. Or have you? Is this the first time you…
LT: [looking at the Nardwuar Floaty Pen] This is like a partial strip.
Nardwuar: Well, people get offended by the chest hair. You don’t wanna see that right now, either, do you? You don’t wanna see the chest hair right now, do you?
KG: Not on a woman.
Nardwuar: Or on me.
Nardwuar: ‘Cause I could show it to you right now. I was gonna say, though, you know Lily quite well, and it’s pretty amazing, like, in Canada, come to Canada, you meet Lily. Had you met Lily before?
KG: Briefly, but not got to really spend time like this.
Nardwuar: And you come to Canada and you meet Liza Minelli!
KG: Uh, yes! I met her last year as well.
Nardwuar: For the first time! So Richmond is, really, pretty magical!
LT: Sorta the mecca.
Nardwuar: It all really comes together! But my last question here is, how come Coolio isn’t here? He’s always on your shows. How many times have you been on a show with Coolio?
KG: We couldn’t book him. He’s too big.
Nardwuar: But how many times have you been on a show with Coolio? You have been on quite a few.
KG: Often enough, I think I’ve worked with Coolio, like, three times.
Nardwuar: Like on New Year’s Eve, he was there, wasn’t he?
LT: Is he related to Julio?
KG: [laughs] No, he’s not.
Nardwuar: No, he’s the guy, what is it, “Gangsta’s Paradise” is the song.
Nardwuar: And I think he opened up for Ice-T. I learned that while watching an interview with you, like, when I watched Kathy Griffin I learned about Coolio.
KG: [To tour manager] Tom, you have to just take him(Nardwuar) away at some point.
Nardwuar: Well, thank you very much, really appreciate the time. Anything else you wanna add to the world out there at all, Kathy Griffin?
KG: Yes, I’m bouncing you from your own interview.
Nardwuar: Well, thanks so much Kathy Griffin, and Lily Tomlin. Keep on rockin’ in the free world, and doot doola doot doo…
KG<: Doot doo.